Here and There

Is my site where I am “at home” (chez soi)?  This is one of those weeks where I do not feel at home in my “here.”

My here-being (Dasein) is always a diaspora of sorts, but there’s a kind of “eternal return” to the center from which the world is dispersed.  I’ve thought for quite a while now that, whatever “self” is, it is not that center so much as it is the whole diaspora.

But this week especially it seems to me that the center’s emptiness, it’s nothingness, calls forth—not despair, that’s too strong, but—mourning, lament, a deep and vertiginous sadness.

But I’m not really sad.  Maybe it’s just that person sitting over there, frowning.  (She’s played by Kathy Bates again.)  She seems very sad this week.  She’s sitting right at the edge of the center (which, of course, has horizons but really no edge), and staring into the nothingness there.

I say “there” as if I am somewhere else, and not in this nothingness in some sense.  “Da” in German, I read somewhere, can be “there” or “inasmuch as.”

Maybe that’s it.  Maybe this week I’m “inasmuch as,” which is neither here nor there.

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